Manage like a mother

How to get the best out of people

Welcome to Mother’s Gonna Work it Out – a newsletter not just for mothers with children, but for everyone who cares for anyone. All previous posts are here.

One of the joys/terrors of freelancing is working with a slew of different characters in all sorts of company environments. I’ve been particularly struck by the hugely varied management styles out there, and the impact they have on those in their charge.

Pretty early out of the career gate, I worked with an overly excitable editor on a red-top trade magazine in the City. He used to pound his fist on the table and kick us out the newsroom until we came back with some exclusives. 

He may have been really annoying, but I respected his commitment to the craft. When we broke a sizeable story he’d take us to the pub, put his card behind the bar, and regale us with stories of his most memorable scoops, his cartoonish bluster disintegrating the moment his wife rang and told him to pick the kids up from after-school club.

Too often I’ve worked under managers who aren’t actually very good at their jobs. It’s deeply frustrating, especially when they view your enthusiasm as a threat and seek to diminish you in order to maintain control. 

My manager of choice is someone who strikes a balance between empathy and discipline and, in doing so, creates an environment that’s both nurturing and challenging. Someone who manages like a mother. An archetypal mother – not necessarily someone who has children.

Sadly, these types of managers have been few and far between in my career thus far. Leadership continues to skew towards a more A-type approach – I could only find one management book that explicitly argues the case for managing like a mother. 

In her book, Manage Like a Mother: Leadership Lessons Drawn from the Wisdom of Mom, Valerie Cockerell, who spent many years working at Disney, describes the merits of bringing maternal skills into the workplace. She uses the example of helping a child learn to walk, and how you continue to encourage despite it taking some time – and frustration – to gain the proficiency.

She also impresses the importance of giving frequent feedback so care is consistent, and making it clear that any conversations are about changing behaviour rather than judging character. And then there’s the ability to manage time, conflict and crisis – often at the same time.

I hoped that experiencing a global pandemic may have placed more value on a kinder style of management, but it seems that we’ve forgotten Covid even happened. Just recently, a colleague came into the office with a hacking cough and wore it like a badge of honour. He infected another colleague, who then went home to do all his Zoom calls from bed with the camera on. 

It’s also, I’ve learned, essential to manage yourself like a mother. Be nice to yourself if you’ve been stitched up with a half-baked project, or are dealing with someone you don’t like. Once, on a particularly rough job with a manager who was lazy, power-hungry and inept (a killer combo), I used to write BNTY on my hand each day as a reminder. 

In retrospect, I needed to manage this manager like a mother, too. Managing up is a skill I learned later on and certainly makes for a more conciliatory work environment, although it’s hard to stay cool when your boss is behaving badly. But, just like when dealing with a toddler having a tantrum, it’s the only way. Everyone behaves better when they feel safe and secure.